Guitars, Cadillacs and Hillbilly Music you can't dance to...

So way back when I was all crushed out on the Cowboy I thought it would be a good idea to plan something special for Valentine's Day weekend. Turns out Dwight Yoakam, a country singer, was to be in town February 10. Perfect, I thought, so I bought two VIP orchestra seating, dinner tickets. That was back in December and I had forgotten about it until last week when the theatre called to ask about dinner preferences. Nope, the tickets were not refundable so I asked my old friend T, who is a cattle-driving tomato farmer that likes country music.

We met for a pre-concert beer at Dargan's around 6:00. VIP dinner folks were already lined up outside the theatre as we were told to arrive at 6:30. We had a beer then went down to the theatre to find the same folks still standing in line so we went across the street to the Sans Souci for another beer. Half an hour later, the line still hadn't moved and we had a third beer. By the time we finished it was almost 8 pm and the line was finally moving. We got inside, were squished into the last possible VIP dinner seats on the edge of the orchestra area and then within five minutes the concert started. Yep, before dinner was served.

So there I was, at a table, facing a wall, unable to move my chair because the lady seated behind me was so close, waiting for dinner while a concert went on 20 feet in front of me. And this wasn't dinner music. It was actually kind of rude to be eating while a concert is going on. And probably not good for the digestive system either.

Dwight was great. It was an awesome concert. Good energy, fun songs, altogether a great performer. I highly recommend going to see him under different circumstances.

Too bad I couldn't see him or move.

Dinner arrived and was sheer crap. A chunk of tasteless chicken, two slices of tri tip that was clearly leftover from somebody's Superbowl party, and half an ear of previously frozen corn that was mushy and tasteless. No worries about the food, though because I was filled up on beer and Dwight was jamming.

A few songs later I was feeling the music and tired of sitting with my back to it so I crawled under the table to the other side (yes, I had to crawl under because we were all in so tight). I went near a wall, not blocking an aisle or anything, and did the standing-dance thing. I wasn't in anybody's way, wasn't flailing around wildly or anything, just minding my own business, standing and rocking a bit.

Suddenly a bouncer tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to take my seat. I thought he was joking. Everyone in the place was on their feet, except the VIPs who I just thought were waiting for their tables to be cleared (which they never did clear so the VIPs had to sit with disgusting food in front of them for three hours). I was soon informed that VIPs are not allowed to stand or dance and must remain seated or go to the balcony (cheap seats) to stand and dance.

Huh? I paid $50 extra for crappy food and to be confined to a plastic yard chair with my back to the performer for three hours? I think not.

I asked to speak to a manager. Again, I was asked to sit down and enjoy the show or go to the balcony. I said I'd go to the balcony as soon as they refunded my $50 difference between a balcony ticket and the illustrious VIP area. I was escorted to the front to talk to someone who said I could stand at my seat. I went back and stood at my seat. Again, the bouncer asked me to sit. This went on a couple more times: Me being asked to sit down, then politely going back to the lobby, returning. They couldn't kick me out because I wasn't really doing anything wrong. It was just frustrating. I even kind of did it the last time just to piss the bouncer off because he was clearly agitated that I was ruining his Gestapo gig. Yeah, I'm beligerent that way. Don't act so surprised.

Finally, I gave up and went to the cheap seats and had a blast dancing and hanging with a few other disgruntled VIPs (I like to think I led the revolt). Of course, it was first-come-first serve up there so we ended up with the worst position in the place and couldn't see the performance at all. Still, it's about the experience and you can't let poor management ruin your two step.

In the end, Dwight was great but the Ventura Theater sucked. I mean sucked hard. Like chrome off a trailer hitch hard. And don't think I won't be sending in for my refund. I may even send a letter to the editor of the local paper. I'll let you know how it turns out...