All-right, already

Gee you people are pesky.

First MB calls and wanks about my absence from blogging, then BH comments on my dear, sweet child's blog about my lack of posting, not to mention the numerous e-mails and back-handed complaints about the demise of Glib Gal I've gotten in the past two months.

Truth be told, I've been a bit busy since I became enslaved by an 11 pound screaming blob that depends on me for everything. Let me tell you, having a baby is nothing like having a kitten. They don't tell you a bunch of stuff about pregnancy and newborns. Or maybe I never paid attentnion. If they told women everything, I am certain the species would be extinct. Well, maybe if it weren't for the cuteness, smiles and sounds that little blob makes. It's her only saving grace, I tell you.

So there's really not much to post about these days. I've lost all the pregnancy weight, except in my boobs. Sadly, though they are huge and now have names (Laverne and Shirley - because they worked at the bottling factory while in the hospital), they are no fun at all. Sometimes they leak, sometimes the ducts get blocked, and most of the time a small being is attached to one of them. Such is my life these days: no sleep, things leaking, still no alcohol, and a sudden ability to leave the house in sweats and a t-shirt - something I wouldn't do before except for a workout.

I do, however, have something to blog about. It's this:
Yes, that is a pregnant woman outside the OBGYN's office in Bakersfield. Q snapped these shots while he waited in the car during one of my recent visits. Yes, he is the perfect husband - caring for our child and snapping shots for the blog! Who can doubt our love now?

So this lady is clearly pregnant, in the parking lot outside the birth center, having one last drag before going in for her prenatal care.
This, among other reasons, is why I did not want to have my baby in Bakersfield. Alas, Lentil Bean is cursed for life with filling out numerous forms wherein she must answer "Place of Birth: Bakersfield" and "Mother's Maiden Name: Klingon". Sorry Lentil Bean, just now that what embarrasses you makes you stronger. Trust me, it does.

Things to do before you die.

I've bicycled through Europe with strangers, climbed mile-high mountains, eaten a snake and drank its blood in a bar in rural China, served my country, jumped out of an airplane, swam in several seas, even buzzed along a zipline through a rain forest. I've been to Ozzy Osbourne's house for a party, sipped water from a glacial stream, done a TV commercial in exchange for beer and jack cheese, gone to college, dropped out of college, and one time I drove a dogsled. I've bought and sold many a thing, driven fast cars, bottle fed baby zebra, had my heart stopped by the sound of a floor to ceiling organ in an 800 year old cathedral, operated a D-9, planted a farm, swam with mermaids in a natural spring, caught a fish and fried it up by the river that night, and changed my mind about a thousand things at least a thousand times. I've fired fully automatic weapons, bailed a sibling out, needed bailing out, been up, been down, been detained in a third world country, learned a foreign language, taken pilot lessons, sang karaoke, put myself through law school, run my own business, sold a tv show option, buried a friend, gone a round or two in the ring, fallen in love, eaten quiche on the Champs Elysees, and skinny dipped under a waterfall or two. Yes, some would say my life list was already quite complete - that I've been lucky to have taken every opportunity and lived so fully and I would've agreed until I learned what I learned at 6:21 pm on Tuesday, October 16. That being, of course, that the greatest adventure, the most overwhelming feeling you'll ever have, the biggest accomplishment in any life, has to be seeing your child for the first time and knowing that your life has just gotten bigger, fuller and way more meaningful.Yep, that's me and the Lentil Bean. Q was fortuitous enough to capture my expression when she (that's right, SHE!!!) was first shown to me after 18 hours of induced labor (about 10 of it very unpleasant) followed by the emergency cesarean section by which the extremely large (8 lbs, 3 ounces) Lentil Bean was wrenched from the womb and shown to me. How a person can look that happy after nearly 24 hours of nothing short of misery goes to show how powerful the moment is. Ionly wish I'd have captured his face as they first held her up to him - it was incrediblly happy as well.

Here she is at about 10 muinutes old.
Note the nice, round head and lack of old man wrinkles. That's because she's already so stubborn she refused to even attempt entry into the birth canal.

And here's another nice shot taken by Q as I carried my own urine into the operating room. Catheters sure are fun!
Lentil and I both ended up staying a little longer than expected. I spent six days trying to get my blood pressure stabilized. Of course, the cause of my high blood pressure was most likely the sad fact that they took a feverish Lentil from me on Thursday and put her in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU). It's not cool to take a baby from a mom and not tell her anything. Luckily, she only spent five days there and we were allowed to visit frequently. It was sad to see her all hooked up with needles, though:
Alas, all is well that ends well and Lentil came home yesterday and, as you can see, things have returned to normal in the McQ household (identity withheld lest child protective services reads this blog)...Oh yeah, we didn't name her Lentil Bean. Her official name is Sarah Addison McQ. By the way, Sarah means "princess" and Addison means "awesome". Princess Awesome. No, we didn't know that until I was released and we found the baby name book. How cool is that?

The Lentil Bean Cometh...

Thought I'd let you know that tomorrow (October 15) might be the day Lentil Bean arrives.

Had some elevated and abnormal levels of things during my doctor's visit last week, they ran some tests, then called me Friday afternoon and told me to stay in bed, on my left side, all weekend and watch for a plethora of symptoms, which, upon experiencing, I am supposed to rush to the hospital immediately. If I make it through the weekend I'm supposed to go directly to the main lab at 6 am Monday for further testing, have breakfast and relax, then go to the doctor around 10 am to see what the results are. Oh, and since I live 45 minutes from the hospital it might be wise to bring my bag and car seat, "just in case".

I think the doctor had a wine tasting weekend planned and just didn't want to ruin it by having to induce me or do a c-section on a Friday night. The good news is that Lentil Bean is full term and if he or she does come out tomorrow there are no issues with development or being premature or anything like that. If Lentil doesn't come out tomorrow I'll probably be on bed rest until it's time. That would suck as I don't do well sitting still and lying on your left side isn't as wonderful as one might think.

So if you don't hear from me for a couple of weeks it may be because the Lentil Bean is out and Q and I are running around like chickens with our heads cut off trying to figure out what to do next. Or it may mean I'm just lying around ignoring you.

Lentil Bean is Growing Up

The kid's been bugging me about this for weeks. I figure with six weeks until Lentil emerges, he/she was ready for his/her own blog. Some of you may think it's too early, but we are progressive parents...

In other news, that's right - only six weeks until the arrival. I'm glad because this whole being preggo thing is getting old. I'm fat, tired, haven't seen certain body parts in months, and am just plain tired of sucking down Tums like I used to drink Murphy's. If you want to experience pregnancy for a day I suggest strapping a 30 pound medicine ball to your belly, eating something that brings on killer acid reflux, ingesting as much salt as possible so as to have cankles so huge you can leave a finger indentation in them (Q's favorite party trick), then trying to sleep that way. Be sure to have to wake up every two hours to pee or roll that lump over to the other side because your hips hurt. For added effect, turn off your AC or turn your heater up to 98 degrees - the temperature that it always feels like no matter where you are.

Not that I'm complaining...I'm actually very excited to meet Lentil and have a little discussion about the appropriateness of sticking one's feet in another person's ribs or punching them in the bladder.

Still Smiling

Lentil Bean, that is. Went to the doctor last week because as I had a couple of days in a row wherein I had the distinct pleasure of not only being unable to sleep, fat and cankled to the max, but also leaking fluid while walking around such places as Home Depot and Albertsons. It's lovely to wet yourself in public. This caused my first meltdown of the pregnancy, which I think is pretty good at seven months. And don't think Lentil won't pay for this down the road sometime.

Anyhow, the doctor did all her poking and prodding and everything is fine. The cool thing was that because I'm so old and the leaking of certain things is a bad thing, they sent me for another ultrasound.

The technician remembered me as half of "the fun couple with the smirking baby" and once she assured me all was well in utero she said she wanted to look at the baby's face again to see if it was still smiling because she never sees that in the womb. Mind you this meant switching over to the $400 per minute 4D imaging machine but she said she wouldn't bill us for it. Way cool to have a lab tech who not only remembers you but is willing to use the expensive equipment because she thinks your baby is cute. I told her I hope the kid isn't too cute because I want it to be nerdy and join band or Academic Decathlon or something. I guess not many folks in Bakersfield have such aspirations for their progeny. Go figure.

Anyhow, Lentil has grown considerably since the last look, and now he/she has some serious cupids bow-pouty lips:
Of course, Lentil was frowning a bit at first. The technician commented on it and said she didn't expect to see another smile as she'd never seen the same baby smile twice in the womb. Overachiever that Lentil is destined to become, he/she immediately smiled for us:
I just hope it's an indication of things to come for little Lentil.

Lentil's First Dodger Game/Fun Things to Do when you're preggo #4

Headed down to Chavez Ravine to introduce Lentil to the sounds of America's game on Sunday and learned that it's not just fat men in Pittsburgh that can utilize their gargantuan bellies to show their team spirit, we preggos can do it too:
Nothing says "GO BLUE!!!" quite like a big white belly emblazoned with the letters LA. It also leads to many comments about what great parents we will be and how we are already raising our child right. A special thanks to Melon who finally got to put that art degree to work on the canvas that is my belly. I'm sure the Art Institute is proud and will be featuring this in their alumni update.

One thing I did learn at the game is that $6 Dodger Dogs are only palatable after drinking at least three $11 beers. If you just have one with a Coke, they are awful so I would recommend foregoing the infamous dog unless sufficiently inebriated with watered down beer.

Of course, seeing as how this was Lentil's first Dodger game, we had to get him/her a souvenir t-shirt. And seeing as how I'm twisted and feeling maternal but couldn't find my old Cabbage Patch Kid, I decided to have my dog, Riley, model it for you. Good thing she's a perfect size 6-9 months:

A baby shower, hasher style

Headed down to Santa Barbara this weekend for my first baby shower as hosted by good friend SC. Here's a pic of SC and me.
She's happy because she finally has a flatter stomach than me and has had about 14 shots of tequila at this point. I'm happy because I knew she'd feel miserable in the morning.

The baby shower was great. We scored lots of great loot for Lentil Bean - from clothes to books to a playpen to toys. Awesome and thanks to all who attended. Those who attended also scored in the form of numerous of pomegranate martinis, high end margaritas and beers. They say you should get your child accustomed to the sounds it will hear in its first months out of the womb and it's safe to say Lentil will definitely be used to the sounds of drunken revelry. It should prepare Lentil for a future that involves uncles who feel comfortable cross-dressing. Yes, this man was at the shower and provided a lovely outfit (gender neutral) and some baby toiletries for young Lentil:Of course, he wasn't dressed like that at the shower. He was playing a part at the hash run we went to after the shower. No, I didn't run, I walked - as did most of the shower attendees. Well, they more likely stumbled but it was fun nonetheless.

Of course, with my cankles and gigantic feet I had to get some new shoes the day before the run. For those of you that don't know what happens when you wear new shoes to a hash event, it means you are ostracized and then forced to drink beer out of those new shoes. Seeing as how I couldn't drink beer and SC felt compelled to tell on me for wearing new shoes (thinking Q would have to drink for me but forgot shoes come in pairs), she and Q earned the privilege of each drinking from one of my shoes. Thanks guys!
Speaking of Q, here he is proudly pointing to his handy work. I look tired because I just lugged an extra 30 pounds up a hill with me in the heat and could only drink water at the top.
And per your many requests, here's a nice profile of me and Lentil at seven months of sharing the same body. Yep, it's quite obvious I'm pregnant these days.

Not sure where Lentil thinks he or she will be finding more real estate between now and October.

And yes, I'll post more pictures now that the real fun has begun in the form of weekly expansion. Other than being somewhat uncomfortable and bulky, I feel fine and Lentil is destined to be a cage fighter based on how often I am kicked and punched.

Fun things to do when you're pregnant #2

I'm learning that now that I look pregnant people look at me differently. Lots of folks ask if it's a boy or girl, when due, etc., so at least now I look pregnant rather than just like I was putting on the pounds.

So yesterday Q called me at work and asked me to pick up some beer on the way home. I didn't think twice and waddled on into the local grocery store, grabbed a 12 pack of Sam Adams, then grabbed a pack of marked down 4th of July cupcakes and headed to the express check out. I didn't consider how this looked until the checker asked if I was planning a wild night while glaring at me and my belly. The only thing that would have made the moment more entertaining is if I'd have asked for a pack of Marlboro's to go with it. And yes, I was wearing flip flops and a tank top to add to the look.

Next time I'll have to get some hard liquor too.

Lentil's First Smirk

I know, I know...It's been a while. What can I say? I've been busy getting to know my husband (who just returned from 9 weeks in Europe) and growing a baby. It's a difficult transition for a confirmed bachelorette. Think about it, not only am I married, I'm getting fat and I can't drink!!! That's like a triple dose of life. Note to readers: Only try this at home if you have a sense of humor and are willing to waddle on cankles for months.

We had our ultrasound last week. Technology is crazy. They now have 4 dimensional imaging that allows you to see everything - even the four chambers of the heart (which Lentil has despite certain transgressions by her mother in Berlin). Everything is fine and Lentil is either bigger than usual for six months or I'm a week ahead of the game. I'm hoping for the latter because I'm scared to death of popping out a baby.

Anyhow, here's a typical ultrasound shot of Lentil in profile:
My mom thinks he/she looks like Bob Hope with that big forehead (from my side of the family) and ski slope nose (from ??? side of the family).

And here's the money shot. We were looking at Lentil's little face (at 1.5 pounds total it couldn't be that big - that's how amazing the technology is) and her/his mouth was a straight line, then, like she knew we were watching, she smirked:

See the upturned corners of the mouth? I must say she's pretty cute and now I can't get that little face out of my head. I say she because I hope for a girl. Face it, they just have cuter stuff. But just so you all know - we are one of the 7% of couples who decided not to find out what the baby is (the ultrasound tech was astonished we looked away and didn't crack). We figure this whole thing has been a surprise so why not let Lentil shock us one more of what will no doubt be many times. Besides, this way Q gets to rush out of the delivery room and proudly announce, "It's a .....!!!"

Three things I never thought I'd do that are guaranteed to shock you

1. ATTEND A HASH EVENT SOBER

Yes, I attended the entire 2007 Betty Ford Rehab Hash without imbibing an ounce of alcohol. In case you've forgotten what Betty Ford is, it's that wonderous weekend each year wherein hordes of somewhat disturbed hashers converge upon the sleepy town of Palm Springs, California to run through the streets in lingerie. This was my fourth year making the pilgrimmage and the first time I spent the entire weekend sober. The good thing is that I had my faculties intact and was able to document the event with my digital camera.

Imagine watching these two swing at 1:00 am in an American Legion Hall while completely sober:

Yes, I had to do a double-take on that one too. For those of you ready to be scarred for life, here's the frontal view:I'm not sure which was more frightening either.

Of course, I took my new boyfriend, Q, to Betty Ford with me. I wasn't sure how Q would fare as we'd only been to two rather mellow hash runs together but all my fears were quelled the minute we stepped into Mervyn's in search of plus-size lingerie and he exclaimed that there were no good panties in 2X that I'd found a keeper. In fact, it took him longer to choose his lingerie than it did me. He was torn between the leopard print and a lovely floral with lace. He also noted that next year he'd start shopping earlier. In the end he even borrowed my red feather boa. I was quite proud and as a display of my devotion to him allowed him to borrow my sacred hash mug. Anyone who is a hasher knows this is very symbolic and a sign of complete trust. If you don't understand why, ask MM what happened at the campout when he lost his mug...

One great thing about the weekend was that Q got along well with all my friends. Here he is with BH of Santo Barbara. I'm not sure what they are doing either:
And here he is with BH of blogging fame:
Enough on that, Betty Ford sober was still fun and I certainly got a different perspective on all the excitement that goes on. So, on to the second thing I never thought I'd do:

2. SEE TWO LINES ON A PREGNANCY TEST.


Yes, that means what you think it means. Don't worry, it's not yours. It's Q's and we're pretty darned excited. Shocked beyond belief, but at the same time thrilled beyond comparison. I'm still processing the fact that we are going to be parents and that all these incredible things are going on inside of me. I hear payback is terrible so I'm expecting a wild and unruly child, most likely prone to cross-dressing and mouthing off. Hopefully Q's angelic past will counter some of my youthful indiscretions and the child, currently called Lentil Bean, because that's the size he or she was when we found out, will turn out healthy and well-balanced despite having us as parents. I'm still trying to find the right words to explain this to Lentil when he or she grows up:Any suggestions are greatly appreciated. And finally, thing number three I never thought I'd do is:

3. TIE THE KNOT.

We're getting married. This week. Sunday the 25th to be exact.

Yes, my father is polishing his shotgun. Of course, at our first dinner with my folks after finding out we are pregnant my father had his shotgun on the table the whole time. It was quite amusing.

When you think about it, this is the only way it could happen for a girl like me. Luckily, it happened with the best man I've ever been lucky enough to date and I thank the powers that be for stepping in before I could manage to mess things up.