Three things I never thought I'd do that are guaranteed to shock you

1. ATTEND A HASH EVENT SOBER

Yes, I attended the entire 2007 Betty Ford Rehab Hash without imbibing an ounce of alcohol. In case you've forgotten what Betty Ford is, it's that wonderous weekend each year wherein hordes of somewhat disturbed hashers converge upon the sleepy town of Palm Springs, California to run through the streets in lingerie. This was my fourth year making the pilgrimmage and the first time I spent the entire weekend sober. The good thing is that I had my faculties intact and was able to document the event with my digital camera.

Imagine watching these two swing at 1:00 am in an American Legion Hall while completely sober:

Yes, I had to do a double-take on that one too. For those of you ready to be scarred for life, here's the frontal view:I'm not sure which was more frightening either.

Of course, I took my new boyfriend, Q, to Betty Ford with me. I wasn't sure how Q would fare as we'd only been to two rather mellow hash runs together but all my fears were quelled the minute we stepped into Mervyn's in search of plus-size lingerie and he exclaimed that there were no good panties in 2X that I'd found a keeper. In fact, it took him longer to choose his lingerie than it did me. He was torn between the leopard print and a lovely floral with lace. He also noted that next year he'd start shopping earlier. In the end he even borrowed my red feather boa. I was quite proud and as a display of my devotion to him allowed him to borrow my sacred hash mug. Anyone who is a hasher knows this is very symbolic and a sign of complete trust. If you don't understand why, ask MM what happened at the campout when he lost his mug...

One great thing about the weekend was that Q got along well with all my friends. Here he is with BH of Santo Barbara. I'm not sure what they are doing either:
And here he is with BH of blogging fame:
Enough on that, Betty Ford sober was still fun and I certainly got a different perspective on all the excitement that goes on. So, on to the second thing I never thought I'd do:

2. SEE TWO LINES ON A PREGNANCY TEST.


Yes, that means what you think it means. Don't worry, it's not yours. It's Q's and we're pretty darned excited. Shocked beyond belief, but at the same time thrilled beyond comparison. I'm still processing the fact that we are going to be parents and that all these incredible things are going on inside of me. I hear payback is terrible so I'm expecting a wild and unruly child, most likely prone to cross-dressing and mouthing off. Hopefully Q's angelic past will counter some of my youthful indiscretions and the child, currently called Lentil Bean, because that's the size he or she was when we found out, will turn out healthy and well-balanced despite having us as parents. I'm still trying to find the right words to explain this to Lentil when he or she grows up:Any suggestions are greatly appreciated. And finally, thing number three I never thought I'd do is:

3. TIE THE KNOT.

We're getting married. This week. Sunday the 25th to be exact.

Yes, my father is polishing his shotgun. Of course, at our first dinner with my folks after finding out we are pregnant my father had his shotgun on the table the whole time. It was quite amusing.

When you think about it, this is the only way it could happen for a girl like me. Luckily, it happened with the best man I've ever been lucky enough to date and I thank the powers that be for stepping in before I could manage to mess things up.

Winter in the mountains

I know, I know...It's been a while. In fact, MB called to harass me about it today. What can I say? It's been cold outside, I've been busy, and life is changing before my eyes.

Still, I had to get the Nardcore pictures off the top of the blog so now you've got one of my view from the kitchen last week. Hope you like it.

In the meantime, I'm preparing for the Orange County Hash House Harriers' annual Betty Ford Rehab Run that's in Palm Springs next weekend. For a refresher on what it is, click here for the 2006 recap, complete with those lovely photos of men in green lycra. Don't worry, I'm already charging my camera battery for this year's event...

French fries, pizza, and M(ac)oroni...

Well I guess it's been about three weeks since I returned from my first ski excursion, which was also my first trip to Utah. It was also my first multi-day trip with the new beau. Lots of firsts for a gal like me. That means a long post for you. At least there are pictures...

So Q and I were to meet up with J, R, B, D, and E in Salt Lake City on a Saturday evening to occupy what would be our ski condo for the week. We flew while all the others drove in because Q had to leave for Iowa mid-trip and I abhor a long ride home. We also decided it would be fun to arrive early and meet my friend H, who lives in Salt Lake City and is a real, live Mormon, and hang out with her for the day while the others were stuck in a truck for 10 hours.

H picked us up at the airpoer and the three of us decided to tour Temple Square, the heart of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, aka Mormonism. H is active in the church but not in that ride-your-bike-around-and-convert-folks kind of way and was more than happy to take the guided tour with us and show us around her town. Thanks H!

Our tour of Temple Square was led by two very nice young ladies on their respective missions on assignment at the world LDS headquarters. One was from Arizona and the other from Australia and they were quite entertaining and fun. I would highly suggest that if you are in Salt Lake, you hit the square and take a tour as it is a) free, b) very informative, and c) not preachy in the least, except when you have to sit quietly as a statue of Jesus speaks to you. That was a bit uncomfortable, especially because he sounded a bit swishy.

For someone like me, who is about as non-religious as they come, it was quite amazing and gave me some insight into how the religion (or any religion for that matter) was established. Here is what I learned from the tour: A blonde and blue Native American angel named Moroni who was fleeing religious prosecution buried some gold plates with inscriptions on them in New York around the time of Jesus (or shortly thereafter). Then, in the early 1800's Moroni came back as an angel and visited Joseph Smith in his bedroom in Palmyra, New York (naturally) and told him to go dig up the gold tablets on The Hill Cumorah. Good old Joe did, then he somehow figured out how to translate them and that became The Book of Mormon. Smith then told his buddy he would not be allowed into the Kingdom of Heaven unless he paid to have the book published. Smith knew this because he was a latter day prophet who received revalations from god (including the one about polygamy). The friend paid for the publishing, found an extra wife or two, and LDS was formed. Some other stuff happened along the way and about 50 years later the Mormons ended up in Utah with Brigham Young (another prophet) as their leader.

When they got to Utah they built this modest temple, now known as Assembly Hall:
It took them three years to build it. Mind you, this was in 1877 so you know they were working pretty hard! That fountain has seagulls on top. The seagull is the state bird of Utah, which I find kind of amusing. You can go inside the church and it is quite nice. The benches are made of pine but the early Mormons handpainted the pine to look like oak because oak was more impressive.

After that temple was finished, Mr. Young decided they need a bigger one so they started building what is now know as the Salt Lake Temple:
Yes, it's quite impressive. It should be, it took them 40 years to complete it. It's more than 250,000 square feet and its walls are nine feet thick. Nope, you're not allowed in unless you are an active member of the LDS church. Even my friend H had not kept up her Mormon card and so would not be allowed in. Incidentally, that little gold man at the top to the left is the angel Moroni and he's on top of most, or maybe all, LDS temples.

Finally, on the LDS thing, that dome in the middle is the world famous Tabernacle where young boys sing. It is under renovation so we couldn't go inside.
After our tour of the Mormon center of the world, we headed to one of my favorite temples, Barnes and Noble, and drank coffee while pretending to read books that we had no intention of purchasing.

Everyone eventually arrived and we all ate, drank and were merry. We then played some card games, including a rousing game of spoons. Think musical chairs with drunk adults, spoons and cards. Basically, there is one fewer spoon than people and everyone is trying to get matching cards. The first person to get four of a kind grabs a spoon. This prompts everyone else to grasp a spoon and the person left empty-handed gets a letter. When you get enough letters to spell "SPOONS" you're out. If you've ever played spoons, you know it can get ugly if you're fighting over the last spoon.

So we were playing and I had a SPOO when I caught the short end of a spoon handle of which B had the actual spoon part. B is a fit firefighter and we were wrestling over the spoon. He was on his back and I was on top of him on my back with my left hand bent back trying to steal the spoon. Knowing I was outpowered, I created what is quite possibly the best spoon maneuver ever by taking my right hand, creeping it along B's thigh, finding his butt, and strategically placing my middle finger in a certain sensitive area. B reacted as if he'd been hit with a taser and bucked me off, spoon and all. All the witnesses agreed that there are no rules in spoons so the spoon was rightfully mine. In light of this, B soon moved to the other side of the spoon area and did not challenge me for a spoon again. Come to think of it, no one did...

The next morning was our first day skiing. Yes, I decided to try to ski because, first, Q is a skier and it would be more fun for the two of us, and second, the Outdoorspro, a ski patroller, recommended it. So off we went to Brighton Ski Resort.

We arrived at the resort and I was not feeling well at all. I had a fever, the shakes, and the general misery that is associated with the first days of the flu. Still, I went and attempted to learn to ski. Note to non-skiiers: Learning to ski while you have a fever and do not feel well sucks as there is a bit of coordination and patience involved.

Poor Q took me up the mountain and spent the next hour and a half watching me snowplow and fall down it. I was about as miserable as you can imagine. It was about 3 degrees out and all I wanted was to get to the bottom of the hill and sleep. Add to being sick the fact that schools of five and six-year old skiiers were passing me in perfect formation reciting the ski commands "pizza" and "french fries" as I lay my back wondering why my ski was above my head didn't help much either. We eventually made it down the mountain where I stayed in the lodge for several hours drinking cocoa and thinking how much skiing sucks and that I would not be back while Q (at my insistence) went off and had some fun. By later in the afternoon my fever had broken and I attempted two more runs that went a bit better but I was still shakey and not feeling well, although I did have more fun than on that first run.

The next day I was completely sick and decided to stay back at the condo to rest while everyone else went skiing. Poor Q wanted to stay back with me but I insisted he go have some fun as he is a good skiier and was leaving the next day. I slept all day. Yes, this is exciting, isn't it.

The next day was an off day so we did some ice skating because B is Canadian and wanted to show off and everyone else kind of relaxed around the house. Q left for Iowa that afternoon so I was left to watch the American Idol elimination show with the gang, once again reinforcing my belief that cable tv is worthless.

By the fifth day I was feeling better and headed back up the hill to Solitude Ski Resort. For my first run of the day R and J were kind enough to take me up the Eagle Express to the top of an "advanced" blue run. This included a long downhill with a lodge at the bottom of the big hill. There was no way down other than on those two things attached to my feet so with R prompting me with commands of "snow plow" (pizza) and "go straight" (french fries) I started down the mountain. I lost my skis a few times, ended up in the moguls once or twice, and learned that I had not yet mastered the skill of turning left. Of course, that was nice for my friends as they could watch me do this:

And this:All the way down. Note to future skiiers: Do not take a blue run if a) You cannot turn right and there are moguls to the right; b) There is an area at the bottom for people to congregate to laugh at you; and c) It is your first real attempt to ski. Then again, after that nothing was intimidating and by the afternoon I was up and skiing like a pro (or not...):
All in all it was a great trip and I learned that I can ski better when not running a fever, Q and I get along great, I have good friends who don't mind a little poke in the arse over a spoon on occassion, and that if you watch 24 and have to drink whenever someone says "Jack" it can be quite entertaining.

They all look alike anyhow...

Went to Vegas last weekend. Nope, it wasn't quite as eventful as my last trip to Sin City. In fact, it was rather pleasant not to lose my sunglasses in a toilet while vomiting and then be tasked with retrieving tons of rib bones from the Golden Nugget hallway at 4 am. It may have been more tame because I was there with my new beau, we were there with other people not so enthusiastic about abusing their livers as MM and RMA, and we had to attend a wedding.

We stayed on the strip at New York, New York - a lovely establishment that really is a city unto itself. If you go to Vegas and are near the strip I highly recommend going on the Manhattan Express Roller Coaster at NY, NY. It is way cool, complete with corkscrew, loop, and huge drop. What I do not recommend is eating at the Chinese restaurant in NY, NY. Here's a picture of the restaurant:
It's not that the food is bad, it's that the translation is bad and I about died laughing when I saw the sign. The reason? "Chin chin", while a toast in Chinese, means penis in Japanese. If you don't believe me, check out this definition.

I love when that sort of thing happens. I wonder if the NY, NY folks know they have a penis restaurant in their casino. Good thing it's across the way from a hot dog stand...

Also of note on the trip was our late night cab ride home from the Orleans casino on Saturday. Q and I were fortunate enough to land the most racist cab driver in Vegas: Las Vegas Lou. Upon entering the cab, the shaking octagenarian told us "If I don't make you laugh, you pay half." He then proceeded to tell us approximately 14 jokes explaining the difference between various races/religions and African Americans (although he used a less PC word). Q and I were extremely shocked and didn't know what to do. Still, one of the jokes stayed in my mind because I really hadn't heard anyone tell a joke about Samoans before. I'll tell the joke using hashers as a less-than-desirable race:

What do you get when you cross a Samoan and a hasher?
Samoa hashers. (pronounced "Some more hashers").

Yes, it was bad. Note to travelers to Vegas: Do not eat at the penis restaurant and do not enter a cab with an old guy named Lou.

I said a hip hop, a hippity hop...

I am not ashamed to admit there was a time when I would don my hot pink parachute pants with black zippers, braid my tail, lay out some cardboard in the living room, have my mulleted friend push play on the boom box, and attempt to breakdance. During this time I thought I was cool. I would "pop" and "break" and call people out on the dance floor for dance-offs the likes of which Dance Revolution could never fathom. Come on, you know you remember Breakin' and Breakin' 2 - Electric Boogaloo. Those were the days.

What spurred that 80's movement of bad acrobatics, head spins, and spastic gyrations was a little ditty called The Rapper's Delight by the Sugarhill Gang - three guys from New York who sang of the hippity hop, Lincoln Continentals, freaking you here and there, scooby doo, Imp the Dimp (the ladies pimp), Superman's tights, keepin' on rockin' to the beat, Perry Mason, and, my personal favorite, the need for late night Kaopectate. How could they not go platinum with lyrics like those and a following of little white children dressed like Michael Jackson spinning on cardboard to their cassette tapes?

Flash forward 23 years to karaoke night at Domingo's Mexican Restaurant in Tehachapi wherein your friend and previous breakdancing fool, Glib Gal, decided it would be a good idea to sing Rapper's Delight to a crowd of Kern County cowboys after a margarita-induced flashback to her 80's days as an aspiring professional breakdancer. For those of you who might have forgotten the original rap song, or it's great length and lack of a refrain, imagine a 34-year old woman of Irish descent attempting to sing these words at warp speed:

(Wonder Mike)
I said a hip, a hop, the hippie, the hippie
To the hip hip hop, a you dont stop
The rock it to the bang bang boogie say up jumped the boogie
To the rhythm of the boogie, the beat
Now what you hear is not a test - I'm rappin to the beat
And me, the groove, and my friends are gonna try to move your feet
Ya see: I am Wonder Mike and I like to say hello
To the black, to the white, the red, and the brown, the purple and yellow
But first I gotta bang bang the boogie to the boogie
Say up jump the boogie to the bang bang boogie
Let's rock, you don't stop
Rock the rhythm that will make your body rock
Well, so far you've heard my voice but I brought two friends along
And next on the mike is my man Hank:
Come on, Hank, sing that song

(Performed by Big Bank Hank but written by Grandmaster Caz)
Check it out, I'm the C-A-S, an' the O-V-A
And the rest is F-L-Y
Ya see: I go by the code of the doctor of the mix
And these reasons I'll tell ya why
Ya see: I'm six foot one and I'm tons of fun
And I dress to a T
Ya see: I got more clothes than Muhammad Ali and I dress so viciously
I got bodyguards, I got two big cars
That definitely ain't the wack
I got a Lincoln Continental and a sunroof Cadillac
So after school, I take a dip in the pool
Which is really on the wall
I got a color TV, so I can see
The Knicks play basketball
Hear me talkin bout checkbooks, credit cards
More money than a sucker could ever spend
But I wouldn't give a sucker or a bum from the rucker
Not a dime til I made it again
Ya go: Hotel, Motel, whatcha gonna do today? (say what?)
Ya say: I'm gonna get a fly girl, gonna get some spankin,
Drive off in a def O.J.
Everybody go: Hotel, Motel, Holiday Inn
Say: If your girl starts acting up, then you take her friend
Master Gee, am I mellow?
It's on you so what you gonna do?

(Master Gee)
Well it's on n on n on on n on
The beat don't stop until the break of dawn
I said M-A-S, T-E-R, a G with a double E
I said I go by the unforgettable name
Of the man they call the Master Gee
Well, my name is known all over the world
By all the foxy ladies and the pretty girls
I'm goin down in history
As the baddest rapper there ever could be
Now I'm feelin the highs and ya feelin the lows
The beat starts gettin into your toes
Ya start poppin ya fingers and stompin your feet
And movin' your body while you're sittin in your seat
And then: Damn! Ya start doin the freak
I said: Damn! Right outta your seat
Then ya throw your hands high in the air
Ya rockin to the rhythm, shake your derriere
Ya rockin to the beat without a care
With the sureshot MC:s for the affair
Now, I'm not as tall as the rest of the gang
But I rap to the beat just the same
I got a little face and a pair of brown eyes
All I'm here to do ladies is hypnotize
Singin on n n on n on n on
The beat don't stop until the break of dawn
Singin on n n on n on on n on
Like a hot buttered a pop da pop da pop dibbie dibbie
Pop da pop pop ya don't dare stop,
Come alive y'all - gimme what ya got
I guess by now you can take a hunch
And find that i am the baby of the bunch
But that's okay - I still keep in stride
Cause all I'm here to do is just wiggle your behind
Singin on n n on n on n on
The beat don't stop until the break of dawn
Singin on n n on n on on n on
Rock rock y'all, throw it on the floor
I'm gonna freak ya here, I'm gonna freak ya there
I'm gonna move you outta this atmosphere
Cause I'm one of a kind and I'll shock your mind
I'll put tic-tic-tickets in your behind
I said 1-2-3-4, come on girls get on the floor
A-come alive y'all, a-gimme what ya got
Cause I'm guaranteed to make you rock
I said 1-2-3-4 tell me Wonder Mike what are you waitin for?

(Wonder Mike)
I said a hip hop, the hippie to the hippie
The hip hip hop, a you dont stop
The rock it to the bang bang boogie say up jumped the boogie
To the rhythm of the boogie, the beat
Skidelee beebop a we rock a scooby doo
And guess what America: we love you!
Cause ya rock and ya roll with so much soul,
You could rock till you're a hundred and one years old
I don't mean to brag, I don't mean to boast
But we like hot butter on our breakfast toast
Rock it up, baby bubbah
Baby bubbah to the boogie da bang bang da boogie
To the beat beat, it's so unique
Come on everybody and dance to the beat
I said a hip hop the hippie the hippie
To the hip hip hop, a you dont stop
Rock it out baby bubbah to the boogie da bang bang
The boogie to the boogie da beat
I said I can't wait til the end of the week
When I'm rappin to the rhythm of a groovy beat
And attempt to raise your body heat
Just blow your mind so that you can't speak
And do a thing but a rock and shuffle your feet
And let it change up to a dance called the freak
And when ya finally do come in to your rhythmic beat
Rest a little while so ya dont get weak
I know a man named Hank
He has more rhymes than a serious bank
So come on Hank, sing that song
To the rhythm of the boogie da bang bang da bong

(Performed by Big Bank Hank but Written by Grandmaster Caz)
Well, I'm Imp the Dimp, the ladies pimp
The women fight for my delight
But I'm the grandmaster with the three MC:s
That shock the house for the young ladies
And when you come inside, into the front
You do the freak, spank, and do the bump
And when the sucker MC:s try to prove a point
We're a treacherous trio, we're the serious joint
From sun to sun and from day to day
I sit down and write a brand new rhyme
Because they say that miracles never cease
I've created a devastating masterpiece
I'm gonna rock the mike til you can't resist
Everybody! I say it goes like this:
Well I was comin home late one dark afternoon
Reporter stopped me for a interview
She said she's heard stories and she's heard fables
That I'm vicious on the mike and the turntables
This young reporter I did adore
So I rocked a vicious rhyme like i never did before
She said "Damn, fly guy! I'm in love with you!
The Casanova legend must have been true!"
I said "By the way baby, what's your name?"
She said "I go by the name of Lois Lane,
And you could be my boyfiend, you surely can
Just let me quit my boyfriend called Superman"
I said "He's a fairy, I do suppose -
Flyin through the air in pantyhose
He may be very sexy or even cute
But he looks like a sucker in a blue and red suit!"
I said "You need a man who's got finesse
And his whole name across his chest
He may be able to fly all through the night
But can he rock a party til the early light?
He can't satisfy you with his little worm
But I can bust you out with my super sperm"
I go: Do it! I go: Do it! I go: Do it, do it, do it!
And I'm here, and I'm there, I'm Big Bank Hank, I'm everywhere
Just throw your hands up in the air
And party hardy like you just don't care
Let's do it, don't stop y'all, a-tick-a-tock y'all, you don't stop
I go: Hotel, Motel, whatcha gonna do today? (Say what?)
I'm gonna get a fly girl, gonna get some spank, drive off in a def O.J.
Everybody go: Hotel, Motel, Holiday Inn
You say: If your girl starts actin up, then you take her friend
I say skip, dive, what can I say?
I can't fit em all inside my O.J.
So I just take half and bust them out
I give the rest to Master Gee, so he could shock the house

(Master Gee)
It was twelve o'clock one Friday night
I was rockin to the beat, and feelin all right
Everybody was dancin on the floor
Doin' all the things they never did before
And then this fly fly girl with a sexy lean
She came into the bar, she came into the scene
As she traveled deeper inside the room
All the fellas checked out her white sassoon
She came up to the table, looked into my eyes
Then she turned around and shook her behind
So I said to myself, "It's time for me to release
My vicious rhyme, I call my masterpiece"
And now people in the house, this is just for you
A little rap to make you boogaloo
Now the group ya hear is called Phase Two
And let me tell ya somethin: we're a helluva crew
Once a week we're on the street
Just a-cuttin' the jams and making it free
For you to party ya got to have the moves
So we'll get right down and give you the groove
For you to dance you gotta be hype
So we'll get right down and make you rock
Now the system's on and the girls are there
Ya definitely have a rockin affair
But let me tell ya somethin there's still one fact:
That to have a party, ya got to have a rap
So when the party's over, you're makin it home
And tryin' to sleep before the break of dawn
And while ya sleepin' ya start to dream
And thinkin' how ya danced on the disco scene
My name appears in your mind
Yeah, a name you know that was right on time
It was Phase Two just a doin a do
Rockin' ya down cause ya know we could
To the rhythm of the beat that makes ya freak
Come alive girls, get on your feet
To the rhythm of the beat to the beat the beat
To the double beat beat that it makes ya freak
To the rhythm of the beat that says ya go on
On n on into the break of dawn
Now I got a man comin on right now
He's guaranteed to throw down
He goes by the name of Wonder Mike
Come on Wonder Mike, do what ya like

(Wonder Mike)
I say: A can of beer that's sweeter than honey,
Like a millionaire that has no money,
Like a rainy day that is not wet,
Like a gambling fiend that does not bet,
Like Dracula without his fangs,
Like the boogie to the boogie without the boogie bang,
Like collard greens that don't taste good,
Like a tree that's not made out of wood,
Like goin up and not comin down,
Is just like the beat without the sound no sound
To the beat beat, ya do the freak
Everybody just rock and dance to the beat
Have you ever went over a friend's house to eat
And the food just ain't no good?
I mean the macaroni's soggy, the peas are mushed
And the chicken tastes like wood
So you try to play it off like you think you can
By sayin' that you're full
And then your friend says: "Momma, he's just being polite
He ain't finished - uh uh, that's bull!"
So your heart starts pumpin and you think of a lie
And you say that you already ate
And your friend says: "Man - there's plenty of food!"
So you pile some more on your plate
While the stinky foods steamin, your mind starts to dreamin
Of the moment that it's time to leave
And then you look at your plate and your chicken's slowly rottin
Into something that looks like cheese
So you say: "That's it - I got to leave this place
I don't care what these people think
I'm just sittin here makin myself nauseous
With this ugly food that stinks"
So you bust out the door while it's still closed
Still sick from the food you ate
And then you run to the store for quick relief
From a bottle of Kaopectate
And then you call your friend two weeks later
To see how he has been
And he says: "I understand about the food,
Baby bubbah, but we're still friends"
With a hip hop the hippie to the hippie
The hip hip a hop a you don't stop the rockin
To the bang bang boogie
Say up jump the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie the beat
I said: Hank? Can ya rock?
Can ya rock to the rhythm that just dont stop?
Can ya hip me to the shoobie doo?
I said: Come on make the make the people move

(Performed by Big Bank Hank but Written by Grandmaster Caz)
I go to the halls and then ring the bell
Because I am the man with the clientele
And if ya ask me why I rock so well
A big bank, I got clientele
And from the time I was only six years old
I never forgot what I was told
It was the best advice that I ever had,
It came from my wise dear old dad
He said: "Sit down punk, I wanna talk to you
And don't say a word until I'm through
Now there's a time to laugh, a time to cry
A time to live and a time to die
A time to break and a time to chill
To act civilized or act real ill
But whatever ya do in your lifetime
Ya never let a MC steal your rhyme"
So from sixty six til this very day
I'll always remember what he had to say
So when the sucker MC:s try to chump my style
I let them know that I'm versatile
I got style, finesse and a little black book
That's filled with rhymes and I know you wanna look
But there's a thing that separates you from me
And that's called originality
Because my rhymes are on from what you heard
I didn't even bite and not a god damn word
And I say a little more later on tonight
So the sucker MC:s can bite all night
A-tick-a-tock y'all, a beat beat y'all
A lets rock y'all, ya don't stop
Ya go: Hotel, Motel, whatcha gonna do today? (Say what?)
Ya say: I'm gonna get a fly girl, gonna get some spankin, drive off in a def OJ
Everybody go: Hotel Motel, Holiday Inn
Ya say: If your girl starts acting up, then you take her friends
A like that y'all to the beat y'all
Beat beat y'all ya don't stop
A Master Gee? Am I mellow?
It's on you so whatcha gonna do

(Master Gee)
Well like Johnny Carson on the late show
A like Frankie Croker in stereo
Well like The Barkays singing "Holy Ghost"
The sounds to throw down, they're played the most
It's like my man Captain Sky
Whose name he earned with his super sperm
We rock and we don't stop
Get off y'all, I'm here to give you whatcha got
To the beat that it makes you freak
And come alive girl get on your feet
A like a Perry Mason without a case
Like Farrah Fawcett without her face
Like The Barkays on the mike
Like gettin right down for you tonight
Like movin your body so ya don't know how
Right to the rhythm and throw down
Like comin alive to the Master Gee
The brother who rocks so viciously
I said the age of one my life begun
At the age of two I was doin the do
At the age of three it was you and me
Rockin' to the sounds of the Master Gee
At the age of four I was on the floor
Givin' all the freaks what they bargained for
At the age of five I didn't take no jive
With the Master Gee it's all the way live
At the age of six I was a pickin up sticks
Rappin to the beat my stick was fixed
At the age of seven I was rockin in heaven dontcha know I went off
I got right on down to the beat you see
Gettin' right on down makin all the girls
Just take off their clothes to the beat the beat
To the double beat beat that makes you freak
At the age of eight I was really great
Cause every night you see I had a date
At the age of nine I was right on time
Cause every night I had a party rhyme
Goin' on n n on n on on n on
The beat don't stop until the break of dawn
A sayin' on n n on n on on n on
Like a hot buttered de pop de pop de pop
A saying on n n on n on on n on
A rock rock y'all, gimme whatcha got
Cause I'm a helluva man when I'm on the mike
I am the definite feast delight
I'm a helluva man when I'm on the mike
I am the definate feast delight
Come and meet the Master Gee you see
The brother who rocks so viciously
I'm gonna freak you here, I'm gonna do you there
I'm gonna move you out of this atmosphere
Cos I'm on, all time, and I'll shock your mind ..... (inaudible)
Master Gee, gettin it on
Takin' all the girls
(fade out)

Yes, it's a long one with a particularly nice message for small town conservatives. And I can't even describe the continued horror the crowd felt when Q and I sang Barry Manilow's Copa Cabana later in the evening...

Note to self: Stick to Richard Marx when singing karaoke.