The Cartel

I spent yesterday cooped up in a conference room in LA with six other lawyers, a witness and a court reporter.

Yep, it was a deposition. The witness was favorable to our side so it wasn't so bad in that respect. What was bad was that it was, as are many things lawyers do, a complete waste of time and money.

The case is basically about a rich guy who is having a big, custom house built. The original contractor sucked. A couple of the original subcontractors sucked. The owner of the house is a billionaire who likes things done his way. Problem is, the contractors put the foundation in the wrong place on the property and messed up a bunch of retaining walls and stuff. Oh, and they crashed a truck that caused a diesel spill that contaminated some old oak trees that later died and the city required replacement of. Owner fired the contractors and was willing to let it all slide, until everyone started suing him. So he sued back. Those events, plus a few more, led to my having to sit for seven hours and listen to six grey-haired lawyers grill a witness who couldn't remember a darn thing because it all happened years ago.

As I sat there I played a round of last-man-on-earth. You know the game, where the fate of humankind depends on you and one of the men (or women) procreating because the world has just been obliterated by something. You have to choose among the group before you. I often play this game in my head when I am bored. And you would think that with six male lawyers to choose from it would be easy. Not true, my friend. These guys were insurance and big firm, high hourly lawyers - the worst of the lot. Minimum age was 50, each in an ugly polyester suit, chips the size of pallets on their respective shoulders, and complete disdain for the little blond defending the rich guy from across the table. Needless to say, I weighed the options and decided humankind was due for extinction.

Still bored, and now depressed at the fate of humanity should the world end in the next few hours and only this conference room in a building in LA be spared, I proceeded to calculate the total cost of the day to all parties involved. Given that some of the attorneys are insurance attorneys and others private, I calculated the average hourly rate of $200 per hour. Times seven lawyers. Times seven hours. Plus the cost for the court reporter all day ($1500). Plus travel time for everyone involved (1 hour each). With these conservative numbers the tally was at least $12,700. One of the claims was less than that!

During the afternoon break one of the lawyers, for the low value claimant, no less, came to me with his feathers all ruffled and proclaimed that my client was a multi-millionaire and should just pay these guys to end it all right now. I responded that one of the great things about having lots of money is that you can have lots of principles and stick by them. The lawyer didn't like my response. After that, all afternoon, everytime he looked at me I just smirked. It was really pissing him off. When he was done questioning the witness and another lawyer started asking the questions, that lawyer tried to have a staredown with me. I won and then he just leaned his head back and closed his eyes. Dumbass. He's a fifty-something man in a polyester suit spending tens of thousands of his clients' money fighting over a few thousand dollars that he didn't earn.

This entire day reminded me that I wasn't a member of a profession, a cartel. I admit, I stole that term from Volokh. You should read his post on the Lawyer Cartel for another dose of disillusionment with lawyers.