Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Gone fishing

Headed to Vegas for the weekend.

Friday night was pretty much your typical old town Vegas debacle: money lost, money won, a really bad impressionist show (Larry G Jones - do not pay money to see the guy), and talking with showgirls and circus freaks at 3 am on Fremont Street.

Turns out they weren't showgirls and circus freaks - they were burlesque dancers in town for the Miss Exotic World 2006 Competition. Through the blur of things MM and I managed to remember meeting them and where the show was on Saturday so we went. Here's a picture of MM with a couple of the girls:MM and I were the only two in our group to go. The boys do not know what they missed: talented women (you should've seen what they did with a hula hoop!) dancing and doing provocative old school burleque performances, tassles twirling, innuendoes flying, and an enthralled crowd having an absolute blast. Each performer did about a 3 minute performance and they were judged on something or other. We stayed for about four hours (it went on for eight) and it felt like we'd only been there an hour. Oh, and the hosts, Margaret Cho, who is hilarious, and El Vez were great. I was so impressed, I think I signed up to compete in 2007. At the very least I will definitely attend next year.

Now here's the funny part of the story. I am a little embarrassed but it's too good not to share:

I made the fatal mistake of deciding to drink vodka and cranberry juice at the show. I don't know why I did this because everyone knows I'm a puker when it comes to hard liquor. But I didn't want beer and I couldn't be sober in Vegas for more than 12 hours, right? Add to that the fact that I've pretty much been on the wagon since I moved and it's a recipe for disaster.

So about five vodka cranberries in I felt the wave of nausea come over me. I made a dash to the bathroom, found a stall, and hurled. Problem was, MB wasn't there to hold my hair, so I had to hold it myself. In holding my hair back my sunglasses somehow fell off my head and right into the toilet. That's right, in the vomit. And they are the kind that float. In a moment of clarity which only vodka can induce I decided to just flush them with the vomit. They didn't go down the drain, they just swirled and floated. About then I realized I needed to pee too so I peed on my already vomited-upon sunglasses that were still floating and flushed again. They were still there, floating in the bowl. I don't usually litter but I couldn't bring myself to fish my puked and peed upon glasses out of a public toilet so I left them in there and walked out nonchalantly. About 30 seconds later a lady called out, "Miss, I think you left your glasses". I turned to see her outstretched hand grasping the dripping glasses and said, "Oh, those aren't mine" and walked out.

I don't know about you, but I would never put my hand in a toilet to fish out someone's sunglasses. I imagine some poor soul kept them and was wearing them at some pool on Sunday.

I felt much better after the purge, drank about a gallon of water, and stumbled around town for a few more hours with MM and the boys. Got back to our room at about 4 am and for some reason we ordered about three racks of BBQ ribs from room service. We ate them all. Then I knocked the room service cart over while trying to wheel it out and we realized that two people had just eat about three pigs' worth of ribs and the carnage was splayed about the hall of the Golden Nugget. For some unknown reason we found this hilarious and laughed in the hall for about 20 minutes, so this pic's for MM:Made the long drive home Sunday afternoon and once again vowed, "never again".

Sunday, May 14, 2006

The prodigal pig returns

What a great Mother's Day surprise: a phone call from a neighbor who found Hogitha eating purple ice cream in the middle of the road a mile from home last weekend. The neighbor loaded her into a Jeep and carted her off to a feed store. Someone at the feed store had always wanted a pig (don't we all?) and promptly took her home and named her Molly. So while I was out wondering the plains, losing sleep, thinking the worst, good old Hogitha was snug as a bug in a rug munching on fresh carrots and being fawned upon by grandchildren. Fortunately, the person who originally threw purple ice cream at her in the road saw my flyer and word travelled in this small town and Friday night I found the folks who had my beloved pig. They were ecstatic to get rid of her as she had already rototilled the new owners' immaculate garden and scared their horses. Here she is telling me all about her adventures:A special thanks to all the folks who took care of her during her week of rambling. I'm sure they are readers of this blog.

In keeping with the theme of Mother's Day and kids, here are some pictures of my other kids. They are so much cuter when they are sleeping.

And, of course, we can't forget the ducks, can we?
Hope you all have pleasant surprises and are able to reflect on the joys of parenting, in its various forms, today as well.

Incidentally, I am now officially the crazy pig lady of Tehachapi. Oh, and it looks like I may have a date in Tehachapi soon. Yep, the guy I hired to grade my driveway asked me to dinner at the local Chinese buffet. Not sure if it was the muscle shirt or old felt cowboy hat or the John Deere tractor, but I said "Sure, why not?"

Monday, May 08, 2006

Bringing home the bacon.

Bad news on the homestead. Woke up Saturday morning and couldn't find my pig.

I figured she was out roto-tilling some portion of the yard, as usual. So I called her. Usually she comes when I call her. Alas, no snorting pig came running. I went out in the yard in the couple of acres she usually grubs in. No pig. JP happened to be around so I enlisted his help (yes, I know, you told me so, and I said this wasn't going to happen, and all that stuff, but that is a whole different blog). We spent a couple of hours canvassing about two square miles of brush. It was funny to see a Jamaican man in the brush in Tehachapi calling for a pig. We're lucky there wasn't a prison break that day. Yes, that was wrong, but kind of funny. Unfortunately, there was no sign of Hogitha.

So I went to neighbors' houses and asked if they'd seen a pig roaming around. The usual response was, "You have a pet pig?" Yes, and five cats, and some ducks, and I'm your new neighbor, expect to see a camel and some zebras every now and then too. And don't even try to bring a trailer in because I'm above that.

None of the neighbors had seen the pig. Then I made a little flier to put in the mailboxes:Of course, the mailboxes are 2.5 miles from my house and I can only see one neighbor from my house (other than the tin behemoth that still hasn't been towed), so odds are that poor old Hogitha roamed off into the brush and got lost or got taken by some wild creature. Or she met a nice boar who took her under a bush and now she's knocked up and embarassed to come home with half-boar piglets on the way. I'm hoping for the latter but fear something bad has happened.

So I'm a bit bummed about it because those of you that know me, know Hogitha and know she's been with me for a long time and was just about the best pig a gal could have.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Know what's cuter than kittens?

Kittens discovering a baby goat as big as them for the first time:Spent the day working on lawyer stuff (the old boss still needs me...isn't that sweet?) and goat sitting for a baby delivered last night but rejected by his mother. He needs a bottle every two hours so my folks brought him over for me to goat sit while they went to the big city of Bakersfield. And here he is with his new buddy: