Step Away From the Pillow

Let me preface this post by saying that I am not a huge proponent of attempting to stay friends with your exes. It never works because one person always wants more from the other. That comment aside, I will admit I am friends with my ex CL. One reason we are still friends is that we are sort of neighbors in a rural community and it is nice to have someone to call on when we each need help with something on a moment's notice.

A few months back CL needed some such neighborly/friendly assistance. Before I proceed you should know that CL is an addict. He no longer drinks or does drugs but he becomes excessively addicted to anything that gives him pleasure, i.e. sex, food, adrenaline rushes, etc. Anyhow, a few months back he called me in a panic and said he had a medical problem and needed my advice on it immediately. I am always willing to observe the suffering of an ex so I invited him over.

CL arrived looking quite sheepish and embarrassed. I asked what was wrong. He said it was his penis and there was something on it. At first I asked what I was supposed to do about it and he responded that he just wanted me to look at it to make sure it was something before he went to the doctor.

Knowingly that CL has slept with just about every girl at his gym I figured he must have an STD and figuring he would owe me at least two meals at my favorite restaurant for such a request and it would be a great story for Friday night happy hour with the girls, I agreed to look at it.

Sure enough, he whipped it out and there was a big, red blister on the bottom of it. I asked if he had been having unprotected sex and he said he hadn't had any sex in about four months. I was perplexed until I remembered that CL masturbates quite often and in a somewhat unusual manner - He rubs a pillow up against himself and/or humps a pillow - a throwback to his prison days. I put two and two together and asked if he had been abusing himself lately. He admitted he had been quite busy in that area and that he had indeed been using the pillow. I asked how often he was doing it and he said 6 to 8 times a day!!! I diagnosed him as being addicted to the pillow and advised that he cancel the Playboy channel and get a girlfriend or some lube.

After the incident I bought him a satin pillow on which I drew a woman's face and every once in a while I leave him phone messages pretending I am the pillow and telling him I need a break.

This is my dating pool folks.