Extreme Makeover DMV Edition

For years I have carried around what may very well be the most hideous driver's license in existence. I know everyone complains about their license pictures, but I honestly have good cause to do so. I have always known it was bad but could never bring myself to be so vain as to go get a replacement license just for the fact that it was hideous. So you can imagine how pleased I, and many of my friends, were to learn that it was finally time to get a new license. It was only when the woman at the DMV asked for my old license and actually gasped in horror at the sight of it that I realized how dire the situation has been.

First let me say that I blame the Navy for the whole thing. At the tender age of 17 they brainwashed me into thinking that short, butch-type haircuts are acceptable on straight women. They also led me to believe that eating lots of fried food and drinking five pints of beer a day was a healthy diet. They also issued me terrible eyeglasses, which we recruits referred to as BC's - birth control glasses - because no one looks good in them and they have a propensity to repel members of the opposite sex. I know, I wasn't in the Navy forever, so I should have eventually realized this was not a good look, right? It's not that simple...

After the Navy no one notified me of the problems of having this plumped out, butch, waldoesque look because I went to college at Humboldt State University - a college known for it's "Humboldt Honeys" also commonly classified as unnattractive, overweight pseudo-lesbians. I assume people just thought I was one of the "Honeys" and, in the spirit of tolerance, just let me continue on in my Navy/butch/honey ways.

It was in this Navy/butch/Honey state that I returned to southern California five years ago and went to get my driver's license. The photo is of me with a crew cut, round face, blue sweatshirt, and, of course, the BC's. As if the photo alone weren't bad enough, my parents got me a puppy three years ago and the puppy got hold of my wallet and chewed the license up a bit. So for three years I've been carrying around as identification a picture of me at my worst with one corner chewed off and bite marks throughout.

People have occassionally commented at the sight of the license, and it is not uncommon for those who scare easily to gasp. Several of my friends insist on my showing it to strangers just to start conversations. CL, of the pillow addiction, once revealed that he would not have gone out with me had he known I had that license. In fact, as recently as this summer I was carded to get my over-21 wristband at a concert (yes, I still get carded and I am happy about that!) and the license brought me some attention. The attendant looked at the license, looked at me, and said, "That doesn't look like you." I responded, "It is, I was on Extreme MakeOver." She looked at the license, then at me, and said, "Wow! They did a really good job!" Then others in line were looking at the license and me and commenting and asking when the show would air. I enjoyed their reactions so much that I use the Extreme Makeover response regularly now - the scary thing is that people believe it!

So I made my appointment and went in for the new photo on Wednesday. I was sure to arrive early enough to put on some make up and comb my hair prior to the big event. But as I stood line line, waiting my turn, I couldn't help but think how fun it has been to have the world's most hideous license - just for the reactions - and that it was indeed, a sad thing to have to give up. By the time my feet were in place and I was in front of the blue screen I resolved to pay some sort of respect to the legacy that has been my drivers license for the past five years, so I put on my glasses, contorted my face and prayed for the worst. We'll see how it turned out in a few weeks...