Am I genetically predisposed to this?

Wednesday night my stepdad called to report that my mother had fled the ranch in a psychotic state after attempting to save a premature baby llama for four hours and he was certain she had lost her marbles. The llama died, she cried, he yelled, and she took off in the van. So he called to yell at me about how screwed up my mother and brother are. I just wanted to watch the season finale of Beauty and the Geek.

About five minutes later I called my mom to check on her. She can't drive at night. Well, she really shouldn't drive at any time because of the vertigo but that's another story...Anyhow, she said she was pulled over on the side of the road down the street from the ranch and was just going to burrow into the hay in the back of the van and sleep like and animal for the night because the next day she was planning to divorce my stepfather. Believe it or not, this was the most rational sentence to emerge from her during the call.

I called my stepdad back and told him she'd be okay and to just get some rest.

An hour later my mom called me to rant about my brother and stepfather and how I wasn't doing enough, or I was doing too much, or that I should just go on with my life and quit helping, or that I should save everyone. Then she began dividing up the animals at the ranch and estimating how much it would cost to get out of her marriage. She came up with $25k. Twenty-five years of marriage = $25,000. At 11:00 pm I didn't feel like arguing and just waited for her battery to die or hay fever-induced insomnia to kick in. She eventually lost steam in time for another round from stepdad. I eventually unplugged the phone.

Thursday morning at about 6:00 am my mom called to tell me she had snuck back in the trailer and stolen my stepdad's cell phone battery and was heading to my brother's house to confront the drug addicts. She hadn't eaten in at least 24 hours, had just spent the night in a bed of hay, and was on a rampage so I advised that she at least take a shower before heading the two hours to my brother's house so she'd be clean when she got arrested. She hung up on me.

Thursday at 11:00 my stepdad called from a payphone to tell on my mom for stealing the cell phone battery. I guess stealing the battery didn't work too well because he was able to call me. I listened and affirmed that she was crazy. I then declared that he, however, had stopped taking his medication for his bipolar condition and was equally insane.

At 11:30 my mom called to tell me she was at my brother's house and he was high. No kidding. She had a hauling company there to remove the three tons of junkie garbage that had accumulated in the past two years but didn't realize they charged so much. She needed $350 to pay them and couldn't go to the bank to get it because she didn't have that much money and would have to move some things around in different accounts. I told her I'd handle it and to go to my house and take a nap.

At 7:00 on Thursday my mom called again. Now speaking of just abandoning her life, taking two dogs and living in the van forever. Makes perfect sense to me. I called her best friend and asked her to call and talk to mom to determine whether authorities should be brought in (she has been down this road before). Friend called me back and said my mom is crazy, but no more crazy than any other 59 year old woman who lives in a trailer with 100 animals and a man with three toes. Point taken.

This morning, after a call to check in on mom in the van, I went to wrap things up at my brother's house. Escrow now closes Tuesday. He thinks they are paying him in cash, $143,000 in cash. Yep. I told him it'll be a check and require about 10 days for clearance. He doesn't have a bank account. Owns a half million dollar home and doesn't have a bank account. At least the trash has been hauled away.

My mother has since taken her digital camera, taken pictures and listed all her and my stepfather's worldly possessions for sale so she can buy a trailer on five acres she actually went and looked at with a realtor today. She plans to borrow the money for it from my brother. Now, there's a plan.

I don't even have to embellish this stuff to make it funny. At least it's Friday and I'll be applying for an attorney general position on the island nation of Palau this weekend. Sounds about as sane as anything I've heard all week...