Things I never thought I'd see...or hear

I went to visit my parents at the ranch on Saturday. It turned out to be quite an exciting and eventful day. Naturally, it resulted in my seeing something I doubt anyone not living in a trailer in the middle of the high desert on an exotic animal ranch has ever seen:



For those who have never been to the north pole or Australia - that's a reindeer having a conversation with an emu - something I never thought I'd see. Yep, it about sums up my parents' ranch.

After visiting at the ranch a bit my mom and I decided to go into town to an open casting call for The Amazing Race. For those who don't know, it is a reality show where teams of two race around the world. It's actually a cool show. Anyhow, my mom and I have always talked about applying as a dynamic duo and it turns out CBS was holding a casting call in Bakersfield on Saturday so we made a mother-daughter trip of it.

Our big plan was to bring a camel and a zebra from the ranch to show the producers that we are indeed freaks and that we can handle large animals. Good hook, right? As we were loading the camel, seen here:

(Yes, I just figured out how to add photos to my blog with my new camera). Anyhow, as we were trying to load the giant humped beast into the trailer I wondered whether the Chrysler/Jeep dealership in Bakersfield would appreciate us bringing a 12 foot tall, adult male camel by to try to get on a reality show. I decided to call the dealership and ask. Here is the basic phone conversation:

Me: "Hi. Is there an Amazing Race casting call at your dealership today?"
CJ: "Yes, it is being held inside the showroom from 9-4. Please park on the street."
Me: "Would it be okay if I brought a pet camel and zebra to the casting call?"
CJ: "Excuse me, I'm not sure I understand what you are asking."
Me: "Can I bring a camel and a zebra to your showroom?"
Silence. Mumbling over the covered receiver. Another employee gets on the phone.
CJ: "This is X, the manager, can I help you?"
Me: "Yes, I was checking to see if it is okay to bring my pet camel and zebra to the casting call at the dealership today. Is that okay?"
CJ: "Is this some kind of joke?" Click.

I took that as a no. And even though it would have been fun to show up with a camel and zebra in Bakersfield but we decided not to risk having to keep them in the trailer in the blazing heat all day.

So off we went. Upon arrival at the open call we noticed it was an atypical crowd for Bakersfield. You see, Bakersfield is basicall 18 truck stops and endless acres off tract homes interspersed with trailer parks. I think the main industries there are truck stop management and food stamp dispersion. For most folks Bakersfield conjurs up images of unattractive, overweight, less-than-stylish, chain smoking, Pabst-drinking, country-music-listening using rednecks. Nothing wrong with that - they need to live somewhere. And yes, I know there are exceptions so please don't leave comments about the one cultured person you know in Bakersfield. My mom and I were banking on standing out as the exceptions in the crowd...How wrong we were.

By some miracle, either all the attractive people of Bakersfield had converged on the Jeep dealership to attend the casting call. As we soon learned, the majority of people were from Los Angeles - aspiring actresses and actors willing to drive the few hours to the desert to try to get discovered at a car dealership in Bakersfield. We took our numbers and nervously waited to be called.

While we were waiting we watched non-desript duo after non-descript duo give three minute spieles on why they should be chosen to the camera. We watched about 25 couples do their videos. I think 23 out of the 25 looked identical: the tall, muscular, almost good-looking guy with the petite blond-and-blue gym rat girl trying to figure out what the next step of their relationship is through the race.

As the clones rattled on, my mom and I worked on our own spiele. At first we were going to say our relationship was at an impasse and we needed this time to figure out whether or not we would stay together, thus mocking the other applicants. We decided that was too easy and might look unsportsmanlike. By the time we were called we hade decided we should just have a rough beginning and ending and just ad lib the middle.

The beginning consisted of me joking about how I was already somewhat famous and perhaps they recognized me as the girl in the elf hat with the baby zebra from the Osbourne's Christmas Special or my more global role as the American Fried Chicken girl in Chinese TV commercials. This got the casting folks' attention and they were laughing. Then my mom started in on her typical day on the ranch. Then she kept talking. In fact, she wouldn't stop. And somehow, before I knew it, she was talking about ranch duties involving rubber gloves - she gestured as if putting on a glove as she said, "Some things require a little glove, up to about here (pointing to upper wrist), and others require a BIG glove (thrusting arm up and pointing to bicep). Everyone was practically in tears laughing. Then she went to a topic I am certain has never been discussed in a reality show application: collecting the afterbirth from the pasture. I nearly died. But she said it in such a way that it was funny. I looked on in wonder and noticed we had an audience. We said a bit more about our mutual fear of needles and then ended by saying we would leave them with a shot of what the competition would be seeing, advised to shoot with a wide angle, and turned around and ran in place in a very dorky fashion.

The poor cameraperson could hardly contain herself. The crowd was somewhere between being amused and being frightened - still processing my mother's ranch life lessons. The casting lady said we were great - very fun and original. ON the way home we decided the camel definitely would have been overkill.