The Uberheisse

The prolific poster known as Anonymous has posed the question of how I can be single if I am so HOT, as was reported by Mark (friend from college).

Of course, everyone knows that all hot chicks are spoken for by the age of 31 so there must be something wrong with me, right?

Anonymous has posed a valid question regarding my hotness/singleness so I will attempt, with tongue in cheek, to explain the protocol we hot folks operate under...

It is a little known fact among the truly hot people of the world, secretly referred to as the Uberheisse, that we must remain single until our hotness has peaked. We take a vow, often in our early 20's - after the majority of the population's hotness has faded - to remain single until such time as we begin to cool. Indeed, there is a secret handshake, a password, several acronyms, even a membership card. Among the many rules under which live, the Uberheisse consider taking oneself off the market prematurely to be selfish and recognize that it can, in extreme cases, lead to societal upheaval as a result of no single hot people being available for the fawning and fantasizing of the masses. The members of the Uberheisse who have broken their vows and married often find that it is impossible to be super hot and be committed to just one person as the masses just won't allow it. Examples include many famous actors, actresses and models who end up divorced and really, unable to recover their hot status.

And then there is the moral dilemma each uberheisse must face at a certain age: accepting when one's hotness has peaked. As a member approaching age 32, I realize my days of a member of the elite group are numbered. It is only when my hotness begins to cool that I shall be forced to act as an average member of society and quickly grasp the last, best person that is interested in me. Until that time, however I shall do my best - no matter the sacrifices I must make - to remain single and seemingly available to the average adult male.

So Anonymous and others who doubt the ability of a hot chick to remain single, please take a moment to reflect on how your quality of life would be affected should all the female uberheisse members suddenly be snatched up into relationships. After all, without hope, hand lotion and a hot chick, what does a straight man really have?