So that's what's on TV at 2 am

One being a lawyer that comes from good trailer stock is that every now and then you'll get one of those great 1:23 a.m. phone calls from a relative whose house is mysteriously surrounded by police with floodlights. Here is a transcript from the one I received early Wednesday morning:

X: "K! Dude! Are you awake?"
K: "No."
X: "The police are after me. They are outside my house with lights and guns. They are violating my rights! I need a lawyer. What should I do?"
K: "What happened? Why are they there?"
X: "I don't know."
K: "I need you to tell me what happened."
X: "I don't know, I'm telling you the truth. I didn't do anything."

Uh huh, three police cars show up at your house at 1:20 a.m., direct flood lights and point weapons at you because they are bored?

I called the watch commander at the local PD and got his version of what was going on. The usual, sex, drugs, rock & roll, oh, and guns. What no probable cause? No warrant? You send three police cars, with officers brandishing weapons at 1:00 in the morning to a quiet residence when you just want to talk to someone? Where is Fox News when you need them?

And so the wee hours of Wednesday morning progressed. X denying things, police threatening things and information slowly trickling in about allegations of domestic violence, illegal weapons and drug dealing. I tell X to go to the back bedroom, close the shades and get to sleep, and, of course, not say anything to police should they arrest him. Cops leave at about 3 am. Perhaps someone was actually violating a law at that time. They should at least wait until after taxes are due to pull this stuff.

All the hubbub and mental jarring of criminal law and procedure from my brain left me wide awake. Fortunately, by some stroke of luck, I had recently gotten cable installed for a project I'm doing (strictly work-related, honestly). And so, for the first time in my life I sat on my sofa at 2 am channel surfing. Let me just say I now realize I have not missed anything by not being awake in front of a television at 2 am.

On my first run through the channels, I found Howard Stern on E! What a lame tv show - it's just someone filming a radio show, in a radio station room. And all the people on the show, as is true in radio, are not visually appealling. Even the porn stars that were guests were ugly. I don't know what I expected but I love the radio show and now it's ruined by seeing it. It made me think how sad life must be for people who are awake at 2 am if they thought this was comedy.

The real comedy was actually found on Fox Sports Network. They were showing a dart tournament. News flash: dart throwing is not a spectator sport. The camera would zoom in on the face of the guy throwing, then zoom out, show him throw, then zoom to the board, then back to his face. As if that weren't riveting enough, there was a commentator! How do you comment someone standing 15 feet from a bullseye, daintly lobbing miniature projectiles at it? The commentator was pretty enthusiastic and got the crowd going. That's right, there was a crowd in attendance. And who should be in the crowd but Shania Twain!!! She's a zillionaire - doesn't she have something better to do than attend a dart tournament? If I can't watch my friends play darts in a bar when I'm at that easily amused state of intoxication, I sure as heck don't want to watch it in my living room.

The good thing about the darts was that between watching it and drinking some Sleepy Time tea I was able to stop my mind from racing with criminal nuance and get back to sleep. The lesson here: if you have relatives involved in felonious activity, cable tv helps. Maybe I can get an endorsement deal for Adelphia, or, better yet, the professional miniature projectile association, or whatever they are called.