A Mastercard Moment

Sushi dinner: $75
Parking: $7
Wine in plastic cups: $12
Rod Stewart Concert Tickets: $220
Listening to your inebriated mom complain to the concert promoter about the sound quality and lackluster crowd, explaining that she drove four hours to attend, her daughter spent all this money on tickets, and it is lambing season to boot - only to soonafter receive fifth row center floor seats for the second half of the show: Priceless.

I took my mom to see Rod Stewart at the Santa Barbara Bowl on Wednesday night. She loves Rod, and I will embarrassingly admit I own two albums and am able to sing along to a few songs. So she bought some new jeans, put on a clean flaneel and drove down from the ranch to attend the event. We were excited at the thought of seeing Rod in such a small venue (4500 capacity) and so close to my home (30 minute drive). I left work early and we headed up the coast for an early dinner before the concert.

Being country folk, we arrived early. We located our seats - in the upper section but still adequate in such a small venue. Then we located the bar and proceeded to guzzle some vino and watch the people trickle in. Santa Barbara is great for people watching. Why you would get dressed up to go sit in a concrete bowl listening to a 60 year old belt out tunes is beyond me, but it is all the rage in Santa Barbara. It was pretty windy and the screen behind the stage blew down right before the show started causing a delay and no close-ups for the "cheap" ($100) seats. Mom was growing impatient and the wine didn't help. Seated to my right was a couple, about my parents' age, to my mom's left a scowling woman. The masses were getting restless. One woman insisted it would be owrht the wait - as last year's concert the Bowl was the best concert she'd ever been to. This revived our interest and got my mom's mind off all the other things she could be doing back at the ranch.

Finally, the concert started with an upbeat tune that we could barely hear. In our section, the music was low and people were talking amongst themselves as if we were at a dinner party and music were just playing in the background. Below, in the floor section, people sat with their hands crossed in their laps. You'd have thought we were at a lecture. My mom and I tried to get into it by standing up and dancing to the muffled sounds, but the people around us complained that we were blocking their view. About three songs in my mom decided to talk to the sound guys and ask if there was a problem. She came back and reported that they sound system was at the maximum allowable level due to a local ordinance. We looked at eachother and decided the concert sucked and opted to try to get our money back and leave. After all, it was a couple of hours of our lives and two hundred bucks. We could have been home listening to a CD and gotten better sound with cheaper wine and fewer fuddy duddies.

So we went down to the security area who referred us to the ticket area, then the manager of the Santa Barbara Bowl came out to see what was wrong. He was a tall guy in his 50's named Sam. My mother explained the problems. He said in 25 years he'd never had such a complaint and couldn't believe we were unhappy in such a small venue and that people pay twice as much to sit amongs 15,000 others in bigger venues. Just then some other folks came up with the exact same complaint, second time in 25 years. Hmmm...This made Sam even more rude. My mom got more upset. Another guy came over and then my mom started crying. It was a scene. I was just wanting to leave by then. Finally, they said if we wanted our money back we'd have to talk to the promoter. I was ready to leave but my mom insisted on seeing the promoter. She is, after all, a wise woman.

A minute later the promoter comes out to find my mom and asks her what he can do. Then she does it - gives him the best argument in the book, "I drove four hours to attend this concert and it's lambing season and my husband is home alone delivering babies while I should be listening to Rod Stewart but I can't hear him and you charged all this money for this concert."

Yes, the famous 'lambing season' line. Works every time. The promoter looks at me and I respond that they only let her out for 12 hours at a time. We all start laughing then talking about lambing season. Turns out the promoter has been considering getting a pot bellied pig. My mom says she'll hook him up if he can fix the concert. He explains the sound constraints in Santa Barbara and that he can't control the crowd then asks if getting us better tickets for the second half of the concert would help. My mother, ever the crusader asks, "what about the other people?" He admits he can't help all of them. He goes somewhere and comes back with two new tickets. He asks for my card. I don't have one so he gives me one of his and says he'd love to talk more about pigs sometime. Then we head to our new seats - which are fifth row center. We can see the sweat on Rod's brow. Everyone is dancing. We look at eachother and laugh. When Rod plays "Have I told you lately..." my mom calls my dad on the cell phone, says "this one's for you", then holds the cell phone up for him to hear. Priceless.