BENCH HUMPER

I know it's been a while but it's tough to force myself to come up with clever tales to tell. Fortunately for me there are plenty of interesting people that cross my path and lead to such tales...

I went up to the No Doubt concert at the Santa Barbara Bowl on Saturday night. I met my friends D, S, R, & J (I only use initials to protect the guilty...). They had procured some prime tickets in the exclusive 'H' section - which means you ought to bring binoculars or get really drunk so you don't care...We chose the latter option. The five of us met up at Pasqual's for drinks before the show. Of course, everyone at Pasqual's seemed to lubing up before the concert as well so it was a good time. I downed three melon balls and was hit on by a young Brad Pitt look-a-like and was happily on my way once I was able to fit my inflated head out the door.

I don't remember how we got to the concert area other than that we roared through the closed parking lot and found a spot as the parking attendants yelled that we couldn't park there but were too lazy to walk over and enforce the threats. D, S and I were all wearing heels and did not want to stumble up the hill to the bowl so we haled a poor 140 lb pedi-cab to take the three of us (approximately 400 lbs total) UP the hill to the bowl. The poor kid was standing on the pedals and even popped a wheelie at one point due to our combined tonnage. All the while the three of us were commenting on his assets. At least we gave him a good tip.

Upon arrival at the concert we hit the bar for more drinks then went to find our seats. Being a friendly group and immediately struck up a conversation with three fellow imbibers seated directly behind us. The group consisted of one man flanked by two typical 40-something Santa Barbara blonds - roots showing and faces swollen from recent Botox injections. They were fun and we were all laughing and having a great time. Gwen and the boys soon took the stage and the show began. I was consumed by my own version of modern dance (a variation of the hokey pokey and the white girl groove) when D pointed out the chap behind us. He was performing the rare and often overlooked bench humper dance. The man was literally straddling the back of the bench, with one foot on the bench seat and the other on the concrete behind the seat, ass in the air, humping the bench. I mean he was down on it grinding away! He even made a spanking motion as if he were riding a horse. His two companions had long since disappeared to seek out more libations - or perhaps to disassociate themselves from the aluminum bench fornicating man. What was unbelievable was that he continued to hump the bench in various manners and contortions throughout the entire show. Needless to say, D and I nearly peed ourselves laughing at the guy. He saw us laughing and just grinded more. I had never seen such a sight and the vision is still very clear in my head. I just can't believe the man had made it through life without someone advising that public bench-humping is a no-no...