SINGLES NIGHT 1

Why I agree to these things I'll never know.

My friend L has been trying to arrange a singles dinner night for weeks. The ill-fated event took place last night. The premise was that each person bring a single member of the opposite sex that they are not interested in to meet other singles no one is interested in. You can imagine how fun a mixer full of uninteresting people is...

I arrived at Winchester's in Ventura early to meet L for a drink. We downed a pint each before the others came straggling in. L has been single as long as I've known her but has made great strides in getting out and actually dating in the past year so I can't say anything bad about her. I just thank god I got her that vibrator for Hanukah last year...'Nuff said.

The first unwanted single to arrive was M, L's neighbor. L has been trying to set me up with M for a while. She has lauded him as perfect for me - older, active, attractive, adventurous, well-traveled, intelligent. My hopes were as high as a chronically single girls' hopes can get...Unfortunately M arrived in white pants with a baggy white shirt, longish thinning hair and a lisp. The resemblance to Ricardo Montalban was such that I was sure he was going to say "Welcome to Fantasy Island". To make matters worse, he was a constant hands folder. You know how when a person is talking to you and they lean back in their chair, clasp their hands as if to prey and then fold and unfold them? That was what M was doing while talking to me. M's favorite topic of conversation is his dog, Pearl. I am open-minded but I've never met a straight man with a pet named Pearl. In fact, the only time I've heard a man refer to pearls of any sort was to less-than-tactfully offer me a pearl necklace - and we weren't near a jewelry store. Back to M and Pearl...I just about lost it when he later cut up his steak into little pieces just for Pearl...Who was waiting for him out in the car! Correct me if I'm wrong but I thought it was single women who had the little dogs named Pearl and Diamond that they dress up and take everywhere with them???

Next to arrive was T, whom I'd never met. T arrived around 8 pm as the sun was setting. Funny thing about T was that she had these super-dark sunglasses on. Remember the old Vaurnet's from the 80's? They were a knock-off of those. She kept them on through introductions and dinner. It was very odd.  She sat directly across the table from me so I had plenty of time to consider the reasons behind her sunglasses-at-night style. Having lived in Humboldt County I have seen the phenomenon before, but not in a 30 to 40-something professional female. I eventually inquired whether she'd been to the optometrist to have her pupils dilated that day. She seemed surprised that I noticed her sunglasses then briefly flashed her eyes for all to see and complained of a sensitivity to light. After a couple of beers the shades did come off and she proceeded to tell us all about her $6,000 boob job. Why is it that people with boob jobs feel compelled to tell everyone about them? I have another friend who had a boob job and she loves to show them to everyone. Since we have the same size boobs she likes to do the real vs. fake comparison at parties. Problem is that I've had mine since puberty and don't feel the same compulsion to show them to everyone. But I digress...Back to singles night.

My contribution to the event (other than my charm, of course) arrived next. The ink on P's divorce filing had just dried the day of singles night so I invited him. That's right, the filing, not the decree. Anyhow, he's an attractive late 30's single guy and I figured he might meet someone at the dinner. P was on his best behavior even though I could tell he was bored and even a bit frightened by the sunglasses-at-night character and Pearl's father. By this time my friend L was a sheet and a half to the wind and we were discussing the merits of waterproof vs traditional female massage toys. She wanted to march down the street to the store to get a waterproof model before dinner arrived. I advised her to just order a bigger cut of meat...

The final arrival was J, a recently divorced mid-30's male massage therapist I had met before. I think he looks like Tom Hanks but no one else does so who knows? J announced that he was late because he had a date. I usually go to singles outings after a date too...don't want to put all my eggs in one basket, right? I think he made up the date story to make himself appear desirable. I won't spend much time on him because, well, this blog is getting too long for such a lame topic. 

Dinner was basically uneventful but the best part of the night was after M had ordered an appetizer. The waitress came by the table and asked him, "Was it you who wanted the sausage?" I just about choked on my duck strip. I don't think anyone else noticed.

And people wonder why I'm still single...