Hurry up and date.

As promised, last Thursday L and I attended the free speed dating promotion being put on by Ventura County Fast Dating at the local brewery. My intent was to go and observe the madness whilst smugly snickering behind a pint of ale. As you may have guessed, I soon became one of the snickerees. No sooner had I grabbed a pint than I was wearing a name tag and assigned a table. How I get myself into these things is beyond me but it was good to get L out and conversing with men other than relatives and neighbors.

Keep in mind that this promotion was advertised on country radio and open to the public. Add to that the fact that it took place at a brewery and you are certain to get a good mix of freaks. And then there was the fact that the people putting it on were grabbing anyone and everyone off the streets and you can imagine the dating pool.

As soon as they had wrangled in and branded nine men and nine women, including yours truly, they laid out the ground rules. Everyone was numbered. The tables were numbered. Ladies would stay at the table corresponding with their respective number while the men started at the table with their number then moved to the next table in proper order. It was so refreshing to meet a man I knew would be moving on to the next woman. Each man would spend three minutes at each table. When the three minutes were up a whistle would be blown and the musical chairs would begin. We were given charts to fill out and check "yes" or "no" if we were interested in someone as a match, or just as a friend, or not at all. There was also a space for notes. The service would notify mutual matches and exchange e-mail addresses between us. If you checked yes and the other person checked no, they send the nay-sayer your information and leave it to him or her as to whether or not to contact you. Sounds simple enough, right?

Round 1 found me a table #1 with Aaron, a 60-something married man who was there for his birthday dinner with his wife and friends. They signed him up as a joke and were conveniently seated adjacent to my table making comments like the two guys in the balcony during The Muppet Show. This allowed them to monitor my entire procession and give me advice in between victims. In the end they determined that I was best suited for their son in Colorado, even asked for my number. Really folks, are they that desparate there too?

Next up was Mike, a guy in a Harley Davidson shirt with flames on it. I immediately told him he looked hot. I'm not sure he got it and he did end up marking me as a match. Give a guy a compliment and he's all yours. Actually, he was nice and reminded me of one of my brother's friends. He said I looked familiar but had never been to China so I don't know where he knew me from. I do tend to get around.

After Mike there were two young boys, both very cute but too young for me. They had been roped in by the hostesses. Next was Gary, a mentally challenged man with a dog named Booger. I'm not kidding about the challenged part. His mom had dropped him off to get some social interaction. Not surprisingly, his conversation was more interesting than some of the other guys. The rest in round one were nondescript middle-aged guys either recently separated or recently divorced. None asked me many questions about who I am or what I like but that's just self-centered me wanting all the attention again. The last guy however, Greg, sat down and grabbed my hands and said he thought I was beautiful and wonderful and knew we were destined to be together from the moment he saw me and that he loved me. I asked if he wanted to know my name or anything and he said he wasn't interested. Then he told me he was rich and would buy me a car. I've got to give him credit - he only had three minutes to work and definitely laid out his intentions. He was later seen making out with a blond who had grabbed her boobs and proclaimed something at the start of Round 3. So much for spending our lives together.

I stayed for Round 2 because, well, it was fun and L said she wanted to stay, and what the heck?

Round 2 had a few of the same folks as round 1: Mike and Gary. It also had Trevor, who I found to be a bit strange. He had bandages on one hand and explained that he had tripped over the tv cord and fallen into a window. All the while he was talking to me he was doing some sort of odd simple-man's flirt with the lady at the table next to me. I offered to switch seats lest they have a true connection but she seemed horrified at the thought of it. I later learned from L that Trevor was a product of the foster care system. How she learned that in three minutes is beyond me.

Round 2 looked primising when I saw Phil, a nice, clean cut mid-30's guy who promptly used the entire three minutes to give me his resume. At the end I merely asked what position he was applying for. He seemed perplexed. Amazingly, he checked me as a match. I must have seemed intriguing and mysterious. Also in Round 2 was Rodger, a tall, good-looking Aussie. I knew he was trouble when he proclaimed that he came to the brewery so often that he had his own personalized mug with something about a kangaroo on it. I'm always suspicious of men who are into marsupials. Something about the pouch. He also knew way too much about kangaroo sex. Really, who even ponders kangaroo sex? Oh yeah, Australians...

After Round 2 I attempted to sit down with L and PDM (formerly MM), who had shown up and been roped in to Round 2 by the event hostesses. They were seated at a table and I was about to sit down with the hostesses told me they needed one more lady. I hesitated then sat down for another round, there were only 8 people in this round, four of whom I had met. Round 3 saw Rodger, Phil, Gary, and Trevor again. And some other little Navy guy with a very disturbing smile who was allergic to dander. His smile looked like an angry chihuahua and frightened me. That and the fact that within three minuts he was willing to get weekly shots so he could be around my pets. I appreciated his devotion but his snarling while feigning interest in my pygmy goats was too much. There were also two guys in Round 3 that spent too much time explaining that this was their first time doing this. I knew they were lying because they were very familiar with the hostesses. One was too effeminate for my tastes, and did not know how to spell very well. Yes, I peeked at his copious notes and the editor in me, that never checks my own blog material, immediately found fault. His friend, a man unable to make eye contact and with hair like a Brillo pad, claimed to work with troubled teens. When I told him I teach the little delinquents and mentioned the program I teach through he got very defensive and said he was retired from it...Those were three of the longest long minutes of the night.

Of course, the highlight of the evening was an odoriferous and bizarre, possibly even disturbed man. He was wearing a hat and sweatshirt from Ventura College so I asked what he was studying. He said he was getting is bachelor's in SCUBA diving. I said I didn't know they had degrees in that to which he replied, "it's a special program" and then went into becoming a photographer even though he'd never owned a camera. The worst part was that my table was in a corner and someone farted while he was there. I'm not saying who, but it was bad. That, compounded by the diver's B.O. did not help the ambiance. He continued to tell me he travelled a lot. When I asked where he said Europe. Having been to Europe I inquired about where in Europe and he assumed a strange, Vincent Price voice and said Norway and Greece. That he lived there for 12 years. Yep, you guessed it, he thought I was a match too.

With that my first, and last, encounter with speed dating concluded. I had a much-needed pint and realized I had just relived in two hours what I had been trying to forget for 32 years.