10 Things...

With only five days to go before liberation I reluctantly decided to click on a link to "Ten things every single girl must own" this morning in hopes of finding some reason for my state of singlehood - perhaps I am missing something important?

According to msn.com, the 10 things I must have at the ready are as follows:

1. A fabulous photo of yourself
2. A pretty pair of heels
3. An Eminem CD
4. A great pickup line…and a way to blow 'em off
5. A six-pack of good bottled beer
6. Bathroom reading
7. A business card
8. Earplugs
9. A straight male friend on your speed-dial
10. A condom

Let's dissect this:

1. A fabulous photo of myself. - The author says to keep the picture at eye level on your refrigerator so he can see how hot you can be as he grabs for that beer. But what happens when he turns around and sees the real you? I say put a bad photo up and he'll think you are much better in person. Besides, if you are not a model or recent high school graduate, there is no reason you should have a fabulous photo of yourself on hand. If you are spending your time worrying about having a nice photo you are probably too vain in the first place. How about an ugly photo of yourself to show what you'll look like in the morning? Or better yet, how about just smiling and being charming?

2. A pretty pair of heels. - I have to agree, nice heels do make a girl feel sexy. Then again, you can't walk far in them and they make your feet hurt. And if you are at all athletic you're likely to get achilles tendonitis. How about some gym shoes to keep your arse in shape?

3. An Eminem CD. - Why on earth would a single, white bread American woman have or need this? It's hardly mood music. The last thing I want to hear when someone comes over is some white trash rapper yelling obscenities about his mother. Try something classic like Marvin Gaye, Al Green or even Van Morrison.

4. A great pickup line…and a way to blow 'em off. - Agreed. My great pick-up line usually involves livestock. Funny thing is, so does my blow off line...

5. A six-pack of good bottled beer. Just one six-pack? How about a 12 pack and a bottle of Don Julio for good measure? If you're going to listen to Eminem you'll need to be wasted. Better yet, a nice bottle of red wine so you can see how he handles a corkscrew.

6. Bathroom reading. Huh? Are you serious? You want a date coming over and spending enough time in your bathroom to read? Gentlemen: Please drop your load before you come to my house - I'm on septic and the fan is really loud. Besides, I would much prefer a date with good aim to one that plans to read in the bathroom.

7. A business card. The author specifies not a professional card, rather a personal business card with your info on it because napkins with numbers are so passe. I once met a guy in Atlanta with a personal card that said "The guy you met" then had his real name and digits. I thought it was cute and clever. Turns out he was gay and needed a date to a work function. If a guy wants your number, or you his, you'll hang onto it no matter what it's on. Besides, with the advent of cell phones everyone just programs you in and starts the stalking phase immediately.

8. Earplugs. I presume this is in case of sleepovers. Yes, there is nothing I like better in a man than having him come over to drink beer, listen to Eminem, crap in my bathroom, then snore the night away as I rub my feet because I wore my pretty heels. If a man is sleeping over and he snores you just need to be sure he wears you out so you fall asleep first. Or keep those hells on in bed and kick him with one every time he snores.

9. A straight male friend on your speed dial. I agree, every girl should have straight male friends. You just have to realize that 99.9% of the time the main reason they are your friends is because they hope to nail you one day, or they have already nailed you and hope to do it again. Once you both recognize that basic truth you can become great friends but don't try to pretend otherwise.

10. A condom. Only one?

I am clearly going about things in the wrong manner. Next time I meet a guy I am going to hand him by business card and invite him over for a beer. He'll show up to find a fabluous picture of me on the hearth, great bathroom reading, the soundtrack to 8 Mile playing in the back ground, me in pretty heels with earplugs hung by a cord around my neck, condom in hand, on the phone with my only straight male friend asking for advice on what to do next.

Maybe I'll even change my pick up line to "I'm the real Shady."