Dumbasscus

Tuesday night, 9:37 pm, the phone rings. I don't usually answer after 9 pm but pick up anyhow.

Me: "Hello?"

Thick-accented, gruff man: "Hey Katarindarlindara! Watchyouaredoink?!?!!"

Me: "Huh??? Who is this?"

Thick-accented, gruff man: "It me, Eddie! What? You no know me?!!!"

Me: "Uh...Hi Eddie." Why did I pick up again? And why is he calling me?

Silence....heavy breathing....more silence...

Eddie: "How you day? How work?"

Me: "Fine, the usual." (Intentionally short and not asking about his)

Eddie: "Mayan was terrible. Horrible. Awful. Tde woars."

Silence. How does one respond?

Eddie: "You know why so bad it was?" (Yoda? is that you?)
"I quit smoking today for you. You nice girl, no like smoke, I stop tde
smoking for you."

Note to single men: If ever you meet a woman you like and have plans set for a few days ahead, do not, under any circumstance, call her with nothing to say at any point before you actually get a chance for the face-to-face meeting. Chances are that she is already having serious second thoughts about even meeting with you in the first place and your call will send her over the edge.

Eddie went on about quitting his two-pack a day habit cold turkey all for me and saying how happy he was to be taking me to The Sizzler Wednesday night. I think he said something about his whole family being there to watch (memories of prom night with the Lord of the Flies Piggyesque SN - later a man turned gay - flooded my mind. Piggy's parents had shown up outside the windows of the restaurant to take pictures of their son's one and only date with a member of the opposite sex). I tried to be nice and think of my readers but I just couldn't do it. I finally dropped the bomb:

Me: "Eddie, I'm not comfortable going to dinner with you so I'm cancelling."

Eddie: "What?!?! What you problem? You no like me?!?!? No comfortable?!?! What you
mean??? You no know me, how you say I make uncomfortable?!?!"

I tried to explain my reasoning: he is a chain-smoking meat-handler with a penchant for Indian gaming and angered Nicorette-induced late-night phone calls; I am a somewhat health-conscious business lawyer with a penchant for drinking pints, being dumped and extreme sarcasm. Let's face it, my humor would be entirely lost on the guy and he'd end up yelling at me all the time. He argued his case very loudly, which made me tune out even more. I told him it just wasn't going to happen. Lots of silence interspersed with yelling. Must be what an Iraqi insurgent interrogation is like. It was one of my most grueling break-ups ever - and we had never even spoken face-to-face.

So MB, I'm sorry to disappoint but my date with the local Syrian mafia grocer never took place. A girl can only do so much in the name of blogging and this was a serious security risk. Instead, I spent last night resisting the urge to call JP (dialed his number twice), doing yardwork, and gabbing with MM - who doesn't believe JP and I are through but is ready to pounce as soon as possible. My Jambalaya does that to men.